Finally, after struggle with
myself for almost 2-3 weeks ago (plus quiet & alone time with just
myself and my mind), I found what's wrong with me. I realized that I
always running away from it all of this time to remind myself that "I
ALWAYS FINE". When everyone said "Cheer up! U can do it!", I did what
they told me but I didn't solved my problem. The real problem still left
behind, inside my heart and keep growing until I cann't bear it
anymore. That's like I always lied to myself and that's really stupid...
I always said that we must have a "stop button" to stop for a while but in reality, I never really stop, just slowly my life a little. That's why I never feel better and when something happened, that mount of burden become higher & bigger. I become more weaker, down, sad and negative. Three days ago, this sign slapped me a little. I said a wrong word without I realized it. My lovely sis just laughed at first coz she thought that I tried to be funny. For example, I said "yeah, I'm not hungry, give me food" or "I want to go, don't want to.." (what the!?? -__-"). Actually, that's fine if that a joke. But in fact, it isn't. She realized it when I did it three times a day for three days row and asked me what's wrong with me. And I become nervous to talk with other people, In my mind I said the right words. Not only that, when I went with my bf to some mall, my mind & my eyes went blank like I didn't look at anywhere. He realized this so we went home early. He said there is something wrong with me.
I always said that we must have a "stop button" to stop for a while but in reality, I never really stop, just slowly my life a little. That's why I never feel better and when something happened, that mount of burden become higher & bigger. I become more weaker, down, sad and negative. Three days ago, this sign slapped me a little. I said a wrong word without I realized it. My lovely sis just laughed at first coz she thought that I tried to be funny. For example, I said "yeah, I'm not hungry, give me food" or "I want to go, don't want to.." (what the!?? -__-"). Actually, that's fine if that a joke. But in fact, it isn't. She realized it when I did it three times a day for three days row and asked me what's wrong with me. And I become nervous to talk with other people, In my mind I said the right words. Not only that, when I went with my bf to some mall, my mind & my eyes went blank like I didn't look at anywhere. He realized this so we went home early. He said there is something wrong with me.
So, I decided that I must find what's wrong with me. Today, I went to the church and found that the pastor gave me the answer I always asked from God. The pastor said that God gives us a problem because He loves us. He wants us to grow and become more closer to Him. I realized that all of this time, I always look this problem from my point of view as a human, an ordinary human. Not as a christian. I forget that God gives us this problem coz He wants to say something to us. To make everything more clear, I found this video : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdGNWyq8nsQ&feature=player_embedded. This Secret of Truly Happy People's video, made me understand that there is a simple way to be happy. We always seek for our own happiness but what is the meaning of happiness? We always think that we are happy when we have a high salary, achieve our goals, make an awesome achievement, have a soulmate and many more reason beside that. We always count our happiness with this when's case and trapped us with that rules of happiness. The truth is a happiness always here, beside us but we didn't realized it yet. Like what bubz said in her video that "The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything they have". We always focus on what we didn't have, not what we already had. That's why we never be happy when we have a thought like that. We never feel grateful & satisfied for everything that we already had.
Even I already know about that, I understand I won't be happy if I just know but didn't try to changed anything. That's why I try (again and again) to improve my self, make a new promise with a new heart & positive thinking, deepened my relationship with my God and combined everything with The happiness project from Gretchen Rubin. I must be naive if I say this things with solved everything. No, this won't solved anything but with my effort and time, it will for sure, :). So from tomorrow, I will try harder to do my best and feel more grateful to everything I had. Wish that I can feel my own happiness beside me everyday with a smile on my face, :).
