Reality in Life & getting old😂 (part 2)

Let's continue from my last post, 😁.

Yeah..my life really has turned upside down after got married & having a daughter. I feel like I become someone else that I never know before. I'm not being "ME". I can't do all of my hobbies, don't have time to sit down & read a book, don't even have a single idea at all to write (back then I wrote several story myself coz I love to write so much. When I re-read my book before, I amazed with how much I have a lot of creativity back then *sigh*), don't have a desire to sew & draw and the thing that shocked me the most is I seldom listening music & sing to my heart content anymore 😢.

I changed a lot... I desperately pray to God for helping and make me more stronger. More importantly, for making me back to my oldself but I realized that is impossible... Sounds so bad indeed LOL. Reality is harsh. I already warned you😎

Okay, let's stop here before my post become more negative & full of sorrow😂. Everyone say we must look everything from both side, right? So let's see the good part from being married (Okay, anyone who want to get married soon, you can feel relive and your dream of happiness in marriage life can come true!). After got married, you have "an alarm" that will save you from loneliness. Don't get wrong, sometimes you can still feel lonely eventhough you already married coz of several reason BUT, from my experience, that "alarm" always save me from loneliness. That "alarm" is the feeling that your husband & your child (for me) will be there for you no matter what happen. For example, I always feel insecure & afraid of loneliness (despite I don't bother for being alone) but when I came home and met my husband & my child, my loneliness is disapeared. You get it now, right? The feeling that you're not alone in this world. Something like that.

A simple happiness from being together with your family is priceless! Their smiles, their cares for you, make you feel grateful & thankful to God. Spend the day with them is special. Your memories with them become so precious 'till you're afraid that someday it will stop. Being with your family, make you feel afraid of getting old and die. I never afraid of death before and getting old is like a natural part of life. I never hesitate to say my real age when someone asked me. But after having a child, make me a little afraid of death somehow....Now, you can sharing everything with your own family. You have someone beside you to spend your life with. Sounds so perfect, right? Yes, when you don't include life and reality there.

Back to my life, despite all of happiness I received, reality balances my life to make it more colourful eventhough I hate it so much. Nowadays, I never make any long goals in my life. I try to live my life day by day without pushing myself too much. I ain't getting anything good from doing like that. I realized that time sure flies so quick and I must enjoy most of it fully. Not LATER but NOW. Back then, I was so stricted to myself. I must do this and that, become this and that. In reality, when you die, you won't take it to your grave. Your title, your wealth become meaningless. What's important to me is my family. I'm getting older is certain but my happiness is made by me, not who I am. I still feel tired, overlystress, sad but I give in to all of that. I still hate how a humanbeing can be more bad than animal nowadays. Hope everything gonna be alright and I can repair my relationship with God day by day...  *pray*

I'm back!! Reality in Life & getting old😂 (part 1)

I'M BACKKKKK!!!!! Finally, after three years long fiuhh.... In the end, I cann't stop my desire to write, say, and post something. All of this time, so many things happened and changed my life. From being a wife to a mother right now. So drastic in time and I can't help but feeling tired without any ending.

Being a mom not entirely bad, really. It's a happiness to life and grow old together with your child. BUT (so many but I will use here😂), say bye to your rutine and "me time". I gave up so many things for my daughter. For spend time together with her, to be more precisely. Maybe people outhere will say I'm eaggerate it or my time management is so bad. Yes, there is a lot of mom outhere can do an excellent multitasking. Can still manage their good appearance while taking care their child and husband, active in socmed, do their hobbies and etc. But I'm just an ordinary human being. Let's check my status right now🤔. A daughter, a wife, a mom, a daughter in law, a friend, an employee and so on... Don't forget to mention that I still breastfeeding so... Yeah, my time everyday isn't enough to fully maintain everything.

But (I already warn you😏), just be a mom. You will know that your sacrifice is worth it😊. Seeing her growth everyday make you happy. Her smile become your treasure. Her happiness become your purpose in life and your own happiness. Especially when she called you "mama", it's like a song that you will longing to hear everyday. Shortly, she is my everything and my priority right now.

Until here, everything sounds nice right? So let's begin to ride a rollercoaster in life with me😎. If you are getting married soon, please stop reading right here right now. This "spoiler" will make you doubt your choice. Because, it's my point of view of married life that already proved by my experience and I always tell the reality in life, good or bad.

When I'm getting older, I love to stay low and live in a peaceful surroundings. Sadly, reality won't let you live in peace. It's began when I'm married. I live with MIL a.k.a Mother In Law and her family. Yup, that's explain everything right? They aren't a bad people, really but tend to look good and nice everytime, everywhere. Hmmm, how to explain this... It's like they always want to have a good & high class reputation in everyone's eyes. So "Mind your manner" or "Don't do it like that" like a "food" for me everyday that make me act like a robot. Hypocrite but kind 😂. Who am I to judge people? But I have my own rights to live in peace right? So, it's one of many reasons that I feel tired everyday. In my family back then, I used to live my life flexibly. I sleep when I feel sleepy, eat when I'm hungry, go to everywhere everytime. But in his family, like there is an unwritten rules. They are stiff, awkward (eventhough they ARE family) and hard to joke. It's make me feel so bad at myself because I became the one that I despise the most = HYPOCRITE. I had so many mask that I wear everyday, except in bathroom. Pity, right? My bad parameter in myself, is getting bigger day by day. I hate it so much 'till SOMETIMES, I feel regret to got married (after said to my mom that I won't get married before).

And to make it worse, after got a daughter, I don't have any time at all for refreshing. I need to pumping and breastfeeding my baby at pointed time. My job spend most of my time. My husband need to take care of. *SIGH*.... I got nowhere to relieve my overstress and there is no time either. I don't have any desire to do anything beside wanting desperately to have a proper sleep time without any nuisance. Bad, really - really a bad year for me last year. Crying, overlystress, flat, don't feel like doing anything, want to kill myself  and don't mention my relationship with my God. It's like I already became friend with devil, seriously, with all of anger, despair, sad, dissappointed feeling I had in my heart. I never feel so ugly, bad, disgusting like this before....

Argh, I need to continue this to the next post (T_T). I have something to do and my mind like full with a lot of word to write, arghhhh... So see you in the next post😁