So weird..

I feel weird again... At some time, I feel happy so much until I smile without knowing. But at another time, I feel so down, so hopeless, so sad....until I cann't drop any tears anymore.... I don't know myself again... I feel like I'm so far away to be called "human". There is something wrong with me. There must be it. 

A few minute ago, I feel I want to eat anything so much until my stomach very full but the thruth is my stomach doesn't feel any hunger for food. I like a doll without a soul. That's like I already lost it for a long time. Is it too weird for human like me to feel that way?... Am I going crazy? Am I going die someday without myself knowing about it?...

There isn't any sign and there is no parameter about how much my craziness is. Sometimes, I feel 'dead' is the best things for me but somewhere in my heart keep telling me that "that's not true! U must life and be strong!" but I wonder, for who I must keep alive? For the one who break me? For the one who doesn't love me? For the one who doesn't love me?...  From one day to another day, I keep searching for the answer but I still cann't found it. Is there any chance for me to find it? Before everything become so late to save me..

I'm so weird...

Somehow... I become weird... I feel going crazy at one side but still normal at another side... I already lost everything that important to me... the one I loved, my will to go to the church, my writing skill (It seems I cann't write anymore), friend that I can thrust, love to another human, the thing I want to achieve, my will to life, and the most painful things is I had lost 'myself'....

I don't know anymore what am I.... Is this what u called fell to the sin?... Is this what they write in the bible that the human who have sin, cann't remember their purpose of life?... I really-really don't understand anymore.... I try so hard so many time... I try to being positive in my mind and my act but that seems useless. Everytime I try, I fell more deep. I feel alone in this world and think maybe there's no one will cry if I die... Why this must happening to me?... I just a simple person who wants a simple life? Is there any way to save me?.... Am I already fell to the hell?... 

I try so hard to find my happiness... even I know not everyone like me, I know I am not beautiful like models in magazine, I know I'm just an ordinary person with an ordinary skill. But why that cann't be true?... Even I just want a happiness.... Am I have too many sin so I cann't get my happiness?... Is this my fault?... I don't understand....

I cry so much, I beg so much to my God to help me... To bring back myself to 'my old self' so I can be happy... But everything seems cann't be true... My feeling already empty, flat and don't feel anything... I give up at everything... I don't want to feel anything anymore... I want to throw up my heart... I don't want to be human... Human really so dark, sometime good but sometime cruel in the same time... Is there any chance for me to bring back my belief to human?...  The one I know now is only God who can help me...

My last hope..

So many things happen to  me... So many feeling I already feel... So many times I want to give up... Give up to my life... Give up to people kindness... Give up to hope I already made... God, please help me... Lead me to the light... I need Ur light, Ur kindness, Ur heart, Ur love.... I need them to keep myself live... Please God help me...

Today's awful!!

OMG, a few hour ago I feel so dissapointed and mad. My internet connection suddenly dead when I was doing my work, arg!! So I called their customer service directly but there is no answer, just, "sory, our service now is busy, try again in few minute later...". But when i called again after a half hour, i still got that replay. Urggg!! So I try to fixed it myself. I really-really need internet connection to send an email for my work, T_T. Fortunately, My effort is works!! My internet connection is running again, XD~. But still, i just think how useless their customer service is!!