I'm so weird...

Somehow... I become weird... I feel going crazy at one side but still normal at another side... I already lost everything that important to me... the one I loved, my will to go to the church, my writing skill (It seems I cann't write anymore), friend that I can thrust, love to another human, the thing I want to achieve, my will to life, and the most painful things is I had lost 'myself'....

I don't know anymore what am I.... Is this what u called fell to the sin?... Is this what they write in the bible that the human who have sin, cann't remember their purpose of life?... I really-really don't understand anymore.... I try so hard so many time... I try to being positive in my mind and my act but that seems useless. Everytime I try, I fell more deep. I feel alone in this world and think maybe there's no one will cry if I die... Why this must happening to me?... I just a simple person who wants a simple life? Is there any way to save me?.... Am I already fell to the hell?... 

I try so hard to find my happiness... even I know not everyone like me, I know I am not beautiful like models in magazine, I know I'm just an ordinary person with an ordinary skill. But why that cann't be true?... Even I just want a happiness.... Am I have too many sin so I cann't get my happiness?... Is this my fault?... I don't understand....

I cry so much, I beg so much to my God to help me... To bring back myself to 'my old self' so I can be happy... But everything seems cann't be true... My feeling already empty, flat and don't feel anything... I give up at everything... I don't want to feel anything anymore... I want to throw up my heart... I don't want to be human... Human really so dark, sometime good but sometime cruel in the same time... Is there any chance for me to bring back my belief to human?...  The one I know now is only God who can help me...