My mind is running....

Finally... have a little time to write something here. I don't know what to write but my mind is running so quick and my head feel so full. I want to write something but don't know what to write. Is this some kind of symptom? Maybe if I have time to sit, focus and write some story, my heart will at ease. Or is it the result from my stressful life and long journey of depression? I'm not ill but not sure about my mental health. I don't know what to do to relief this feeling. I feel something but feel like nothing. My heart feel so flat. Don't want to trust someone anymore. Don't want to feel tired, sad, dissappointed. I just can pray yo God for helping me. Am I need a psychiatrist? Or I just need someone to care about me? To listening for everything what I'm to say. To receive my sharing without judging me? Don't know what to do. I feel hopeless... helpless. Want to go to another world and leave this wrecked world. Please help me God....

No more drama please! (T^T)

I think It's a great improvement if I can post in my blog more rutine but yeah, time *thinkhard*, time, time LOL. I need more time and no more drama in my life please. I don't know. Nowadays, my heart kind of "turn off" somehow. Sometimes, I don't feel anything because I was too tired of everything.. *playingmichaelbubble'shomeonbackground*
It's a pity when my mind was back to my old days and thought about how creative, imaginative I was, back then. Not a single thought before that I could be like this after got married. One of my regret for sure. I wish I can open my drawer and turn back to my teenager days (doraemon where are you? T_T). But yeah, LIFE still goes on.... Just can put all of my heart's pieces back, locked up inside and shut down for ~don't know how long it will takes~.
Overall, my life still good enough (Just don't think about in laws, coworkers & husband). Career is ok, enough. My daughter is my precious treasure. My family still my priority. Money isn't my number one. Relationship with God still in a healing process. So good so far. Pray the best so there is no more drama in my life. Focus on my purpose of life. Funny to think that I WAS happy to learn about human but come to hate human myself now (eventhough, I'm a human too LoL)
Will try my best to not overly thinking about everything. Wish me luck!!

Devil beside you....

Yup, after I tried for being positive, enjoy my life bla bla bla. Something HAPPENED and hit me HARD. Not enough to just feel grateful and thankful for everything. My husband was having an affair. Yeah, like what we saw on the news, celebrity's gossips. Yes, he did that (even still just texting coz I already found it. On the way to meet with all of that bitches) and to make it worse, he texted with several woman outhere. Eventhough, he said "love" everyday. So eager to take part in several services at church, he still DID it. This reality in married life finally came to me and yes, I cried a lot and hurt all over my body (don't mention my heart). All of this time, we happily being active in church doesn't mean anything to him beside his egoist & selfishness. Like usual, everything happens and he blamed for my weakness. I nearly want to get divorce with him and take my daughter with me. No, I still think about God but why He LET all of this happen? NOT SURE...
After being married, I felt like I became such a bad woman who will scream or heartless without no reason. Look here, I didn't want to make everything become negative but this reality INDEED negative. How much effort I try to look at the brighter side but nowhere to look. There is no positive thing here beside my daughter...
I can't even forgotten all of his text to that bitches for sure and will took a long long time to forgive him BUT he act like nothing happened after talked this with our senior in church. Damn him, for feel so clean after doing that and search for my fault in every moment. I warned him enough if he happen (and brave enough) to do it again, I will be there to wreck his life 'till the dust. And I don't care if I don't have husband anymore. I don't have any desire to add more bad guy to my life. My life is bad enough after got married. And don't want to walk to the same path if this failed.
Really, life...👏👏. You are the best for making me ride a rollercoaster😡.
Now I don't know what I feel... Flat indeed and want to have a long holiday myself or with my baby....

Reality in Life & getting old😂 (part 2)

Let's continue from my last post, 😁.

Yeah..my life really has turned upside down after got married & having a daughter. I feel like I become someone else that I never know before. I'm not being "ME". I can't do all of my hobbies, don't have time to sit down & read a book, don't even have a single idea at all to write (back then I wrote several story myself coz I love to write so much. When I re-read my book before, I amazed with how much I have a lot of creativity back then *sigh*), don't have a desire to sew & draw and the thing that shocked me the most is I seldom listening music & sing to my heart content anymore 😢.

I changed a lot... I desperately pray to God for helping and make me more stronger. More importantly, for making me back to my oldself but I realized that is impossible... Sounds so bad indeed LOL. Reality is harsh. I already warned you😎

Okay, let's stop here before my post become more negative & full of sorrow😂. Everyone say we must look everything from both side, right? So let's see the good part from being married (Okay, anyone who want to get married soon, you can feel relive and your dream of happiness in marriage life can come true!). After got married, you have "an alarm" that will save you from loneliness. Don't get wrong, sometimes you can still feel lonely eventhough you already married coz of several reason BUT, from my experience, that "alarm" always save me from loneliness. That "alarm" is the feeling that your husband & your child (for me) will be there for you no matter what happen. For example, I always feel insecure & afraid of loneliness (despite I don't bother for being alone) but when I came home and met my husband & my child, my loneliness is disapeared. You get it now, right? The feeling that you're not alone in this world. Something like that.

A simple happiness from being together with your family is priceless! Their smiles, their cares for you, make you feel grateful & thankful to God. Spend the day with them is special. Your memories with them become so precious 'till you're afraid that someday it will stop. Being with your family, make you feel afraid of getting old and die. I never afraid of death before and getting old is like a natural part of life. I never hesitate to say my real age when someone asked me. But after having a child, make me a little afraid of death somehow....Now, you can sharing everything with your own family. You have someone beside you to spend your life with. Sounds so perfect, right? Yes, when you don't include life and reality there.

Back to my life, despite all of happiness I received, reality balances my life to make it more colourful eventhough I hate it so much. Nowadays, I never make any long goals in my life. I try to live my life day by day without pushing myself too much. I ain't getting anything good from doing like that. I realized that time sure flies so quick and I must enjoy most of it fully. Not LATER but NOW. Back then, I was so stricted to myself. I must do this and that, become this and that. In reality, when you die, you won't take it to your grave. Your title, your wealth become meaningless. What's important to me is my family. I'm getting older is certain but my happiness is made by me, not who I am. I still feel tired, overlystress, sad but I give in to all of that. I still hate how a humanbeing can be more bad than animal nowadays. Hope everything gonna be alright and I can repair my relationship with God day by day...  *pray*

I'm back!! Reality in Life & getting old😂 (part 1)

I'M BACKKKKK!!!!! Finally, after three years long fiuhh.... In the end, I cann't stop my desire to write, say, and post something. All of this time, so many things happened and changed my life. From being a wife to a mother right now. So drastic in time and I can't help but feeling tired without any ending.

Being a mom not entirely bad, really. It's a happiness to life and grow old together with your child. BUT (so many but I will use here😂), say bye to your rutine and "me time". I gave up so many things for my daughter. For spend time together with her, to be more precisely. Maybe people outhere will say I'm eaggerate it or my time management is so bad. Yes, there is a lot of mom outhere can do an excellent multitasking. Can still manage their good appearance while taking care their child and husband, active in socmed, do their hobbies and etc. But I'm just an ordinary human being. Let's check my status right now🤔. A daughter, a wife, a mom, a daughter in law, a friend, an employee and so on... Don't forget to mention that I still breastfeeding so... Yeah, my time everyday isn't enough to fully maintain everything.

But (I already warn you😏), just be a mom. You will know that your sacrifice is worth it😊. Seeing her growth everyday make you happy. Her smile become your treasure. Her happiness become your purpose in life and your own happiness. Especially when she called you "mama", it's like a song that you will longing to hear everyday. Shortly, she is my everything and my priority right now.

Until here, everything sounds nice right? So let's begin to ride a rollercoaster in life with me😎. If you are getting married soon, please stop reading right here right now. This "spoiler" will make you doubt your choice. Because, it's my point of view of married life that already proved by my experience and I always tell the reality in life, good or bad.

When I'm getting older, I love to stay low and live in a peaceful surroundings. Sadly, reality won't let you live in peace. It's began when I'm married. I live with MIL a.k.a Mother In Law and her family. Yup, that's explain everything right? They aren't a bad people, really but tend to look good and nice everytime, everywhere. Hmmm, how to explain this... It's like they always want to have a good & high class reputation in everyone's eyes. So "Mind your manner" or "Don't do it like that" like a "food" for me everyday that make me act like a robot. Hypocrite but kind 😂. Who am I to judge people? But I have my own rights to live in peace right? So, it's one of many reasons that I feel tired everyday. In my family back then, I used to live my life flexibly. I sleep when I feel sleepy, eat when I'm hungry, go to everywhere everytime. But in his family, like there is an unwritten rules. They are stiff, awkward (eventhough they ARE family) and hard to joke. It's make me feel so bad at myself because I became the one that I despise the most = HYPOCRITE. I had so many mask that I wear everyday, except in bathroom. Pity, right? My bad parameter in myself, is getting bigger day by day. I hate it so much 'till SOMETIMES, I feel regret to got married (after said to my mom that I won't get married before).

And to make it worse, after got a daughter, I don't have any time at all for refreshing. I need to pumping and breastfeeding my baby at pointed time. My job spend most of my time. My husband need to take care of. *SIGH*.... I got nowhere to relieve my overstress and there is no time either. I don't have any desire to do anything beside wanting desperately to have a proper sleep time without any nuisance. Bad, really - really a bad year for me last year. Crying, overlystress, flat, don't feel like doing anything, want to kill myself  and don't mention my relationship with my God. It's like I already became friend with devil, seriously, with all of anger, despair, sad, dissappointed feeling I had in my heart. I never feel so ugly, bad, disgusting like this before....

Argh, I need to continue this to the next post (T_T). I have something to do and my mind like full with a lot of word to write, arghhhh... So see you in the next post😁  

I'm not dissappear yet!! ヘ（゜◇、゜）ノ.... Just immersed in the life... ( p′︵‵。)

Well..well...well....Really, this post is my first post in this year eventhough it's already MARCH!!! .·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·.. I want to keep posting everyday like other blogger buuuuttttt.... Yeah..there is no other reason beside LIFE. (●￣(ｴ)￣●). *SLAP my face coz overly use "Life" for a reason*. But that's true *facepalm*. A lot of things happened in my life between this last three months. 
After got engaged before, my bf want to made it more real. He arrange a dinner for both of our fam. I was nervous about that but it turn out nice *relieved*. After that, everything gone fast! They decided where the wedding will take place, the date for our wedding and bla bla bla.... Even me, the one who will get married didn't realized it myself. Everything looks so unreal to me! I cann't believe that I became a woman who will be a wife soon. OH....MY...GOODNESS! I got panicked back then. Especially, after my bf sent me an email about it's advance payment. I was scared. Maybe for other people, I seems so exaggerated. But for me, I feel like I will be bound to him until death with no freedom, like a bird in a cage. Is it a marriage blues? or just my pessimistic side become bigger than it was? It's funny to think when my friend comment about this. She said that usually, the one who feel afraid about marriage is a man, not me. Maybe, I just afraid of this quick development.... and fear of this complicated things too. I'm afraid that I cann't be happy like this if I already married... (T____T). Arghhhhh, did every woman who will get married have a feelings like this? or maybe some fear like me?...
Beside that, my life is full with my lesson, my job, my "stupid" thought about human *what the!??*, a lot of cute things, hang out time, a lot of delicious food! *u must see my insta about this khekhekhe..*, some missunderstanding with my boss and my critical thought about my career. Gahhh.... nowadays, I got easily tired from everything. Exhausted from every plan, event & schedule until I can find myself crying alone in the darkness without any reason... *don't be a crybaby, SLAP!!!*. I do realized that I need a long & full holiday myself, to refresh my mental & physical. But there is no time for that! o(╥﹏╥)o. Even, my wish list for now is HIBERNATION. Especially, with this coughing symptom, appear from nowhere...
Hemm.... for now, I just can pray for a strength from my God. I hope He can help me to go through this complicated life until the end..

I’m getting old!!!! HAHAHAHA ✧ʕ̢̣̣̣̣̩̩̩̩•͡˔•ོɁ̡̣̣̣̣̩̩̩̩✧

Hi guys! ＼（＾▽＾）／.

 It has been a long time. Busy with life and Harvest Moon (wtf!? ヽ(｀⌒´メ)ノ), I cann’t post anything in my blog. So in this special occasion, I must posting something, didn’t I? （*´▽｀*）.

Like the title above, yeah today is my birthday! (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) ♫･*:.｡. .｡.:*.  My birthday was began with called from my  bf before 12:00 am one day before. We talked, talked and talked until finally, he said “Happy Birthday!”. After that, my lovely sis congrats me this morning before I went to work. There was no special treatment for me. So I didn’t expect for more. That was my thought before “a little surprise” came. My coworkers suddenly came to my room while brought a cute~pinky~box from Marquis! (ˇ_ˇ”) ƪ(˘⌣˘)┐ ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ ┌(˘⌣˘)ʃ. Maybe for other, this doesn’t mean anything BUT for me, It’s my craving from two days ago, yiipiieeee!!! That was  a delicious cheesecake from Marquis! ヾ(⌐■_■)ノ♪.  Oh my God, really, I thank so much for them. Two days before, I mumbled to myself that my last craving was Marquis and...hehehehe, u guys know the rest of it.

After went home from work, I had a simple dinner with my fam & my dear finally (Eventhough, I had a little quarrel with my bf before that （ﾉ´д｀)）.  They bought me The Harvest’s blackforest cake and it’s so yummy!! We took several pics together for memories. And unexpectedly, my bf’s friends came too. So we had a great chit chat before they got home. It’s night already (=ↀωↀ=)✧.

Really, for this birthday, I feel so grateful to God. He made my life complete! My precious fam, my dear bf, my sweetiest friends & my friendly coworkers, that was the treasure that cann’t be purchased everywhere.  Thank u so much God! U’re my best Father, Cousin, Friend, Companion & Guardian Angel!  (♥ω♥ ) ~♪.  He teached me His unlimited love for me. That’s why every wish that I said for my birthday’s wish is a Happiness for everyone. That’s sounds universal and unreal but that was my pray last night. My principle for my birthday is always GIVE TO OTHERS. I want to spread my God’s love with my birthday. I hope “this tradition” will continue until my last breath in this world, ٩(●˙▿˙●)۶…⋆ฺ.

Thank’s God for let me born in this world. ❤