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The last month's wish (can write or not)...

There are just some day before new years come. This make me want to think about what I haven't done in this year. And the one which pop to my head is writing. After some month, there is no increase in my writing. Every title that I write, never show any ending. I wonder why....
Why I still cann't write even there is no problem anymore?... Is that because I still have some worries in my mind?.. I want to write so much until I feel so sad when I cann't think about anything for the story. I take my pencil but no words come out on my mind. That's like I have no brain at all. The "youtube" that always play in my head when I wrote b4, didn't "play" anymore. That's like I'm lack of imagination and that's really hurt me, T___T.
But I don't want to give up. I'm still like writing so much and don't want to leave it. So I pray and hope that today, I can try to write again. Bless me God....

The most precious day in my life!!

Thx God. Finally, I have a peaceful day. Yay! Just like a dream comes true. There is no problem or any obstacles. Just spend my time at my home sweet home with my sis', feel a cold wind from my window, reading some books, listening a slowly but warmth song, hav a simple chit chat with my fidanzato. Everything just so perfect!! Thanx God. Thank u so much for this beautiful day in my life, <3

Today's lunch time!!

Hem... Today, there is no so much work for me.... I just doing the same thing like I did last friday. But that's ok, I like that job. Then, I have lunch at my office, alone... Somehow, I don't want to interact with other people again. Too much disappointment that I through with.... A friend that I have for a long time not being my friends anymore...
I begin to think about which one is my friend and which one not my friend... Everyone seems have two face with it. I don't know which one the real face. I'm scared. I don't want to be fooled by them again.... I lost my trust to them. They just want to be my friend when they have something they want from me. I'm enough of it.
Now, I just want to think about my job, my fam, my hobbies and what I want to achieve. And yesterday, I read some magazine called 'gogirl'. In that magazine, there is some rules about how  to maintaince and 'grow' ur own blog. That's look interesting. So I want to 'make up' my blog, ho3x. And, beside that, I want to make some thing such a little christmast present for my bf. I hope I have a time to do it...

What a day!

Hmp... Today, There is a heavy rain at my place from the morning. Makes me feel lazy to go work and want to lay on my bed all the time, ha3x. But I have to go too coz I have some work to do before 09.00 am. Unfortunately, my bf stuck at his home because of this heavy rain so I must go with my father. But that's ok. Just feel a little guilty to my dad because of it. I don't want to disturb anyone. I will go by myself if I can.
Geezzz... I think I must learn to drive a car so I become more independent (about my work of course). After I arrived at my office, I did that work and get finished before the time limit. So I guessed, I have a little success here, he3x. *satisfied, grins*
For that, I went to the mini market at the downstair basement and bought some candy, bean milk, aqua, some cup noodles, biscuit and a strap of panadol (what the!?). When I paid for that, the owner said "Congratulation, u got free Ice cream from purchase min twenty five thousand rupiahs!". How lucky I am today! But in my office I don't have refrigerator so I just keep that on that mini market. I will take that ice cream this noon, ho3x.

when did I will start to....???

Today, just a little bit awful from the morning. I just got up with a sleepy face and no desire to wake up. I don't have any breakfast or snack. I brushed my teeth, took a bath, dressed up, etc. When I'm ready, I don't have anything to do beside wait for him to pick me up. So I just back to my room and take a nap for a while.
At 07.16, he arrived then we went to my office, ready to work until...plop! There is something wrong with my office electricity and (as if we already now), suddenly my room became dark, T__T. Most importantly and sadly, my last work didn't saved I think. What a pain in ass!! But several minutes later, the lamp is on and everything can be turn on again.
I hope everything gonna be okay after this *pray*








Today's surprised, ^_^

Amazing... so amazing... Calm...peace.. everything going smoothly..that's like this situation so perfect. So, I just lay down and start to read his writing (haruki murakami's book of course).  I read his book from 1 chp to another chp. Even at the first, I feel a little bit dissapointed with not~continue story as usual, I still cann't stop to read the rest of that book's chp. When I read and read, suddenly comes up one chp that's not fiction. I read and feel."wow! This is amazing!". My mind was full with thousand.. million words, even I have an urge to write suddenly, like I'm being addicted. Haruki sensei is so amazing!
I hope I can be a writer someday...

So weird..

I feel weird again... At some time, I feel happy so much until I smile without knowing. But at another time, I feel so down, so hopeless, so sad....until I cann't drop any tears anymore.... I don't know myself again... I feel like I'm so far away to be called "human". There is something wrong with me. There must be it. 
A few minute ago, I feel I want to eat anything so much until my stomach very full but the thruth is my stomach doesn't feel any hunger for food. I like a doll without a soul. That's like I already lost it for a long time. Is it too weird for human like me to feel that way?... Am I going crazy? Am I going die someday without myself knowing about it?...
There isn't any sign and there is no parameter about how much my craziness is. Sometimes, I feel 'dead' is the best things for me but somewhere in my heart keep telling me that "that's not true! U must life and be strong!" but I wonder, for who I must keep alive? For the one who break me? For the one who doesn't love me? For the one who doesn't love me?...  From one day to another day, I keep searching for the answer but I still cann't found it. Is there any chance for me to find it? Before everything become so late to save me..

I'm so weird...

Somehow... I become weird... I feel going crazy at one side but still normal at another side... I already lost everything that important to me... the one I loved, my will to go to the church, my writing skill (It seems I cann't write anymore), friend that I can thrust, love to another human, the thing I want to achieve, my will to life, and the most painful things is I had lost 'myself'....
I don't know anymore what am I.... Is this what u called fell to the sin?... Is this what they write in the bible that the human who have sin, cann't remember their purpose of life?... I really-really don't understand anymore.... I try so hard so many time... I try to being positive in my mind and my act but that seems useless. Everytime I try, I fell more deep. I feel alone in this world and think maybe there's no one will cry if I die... Why this must happening to me?... I just a simple person who wants a simple life? Is there any way to save me?.... Am I already fell to the hell?... 
I try so hard to find my happiness... even I know not everyone like me, I know I am not beautiful like models in magazine, I know I'm just an ordinary person with an ordinary skill. But why that cann't be true?... Even I just want a happiness.... Am I have too many sin so I cann't get my happiness?... Is this my fault?... I don't understand....
I cry so much, I beg so much to my God to help me... To bring back myself to 'my old self' so I can be happy... But everything seems cann't be true... My feeling already empty, flat and don't feel anything... I give up at everything... I don't want to feel anything anymore... I want to throw up my heart... I don't want to be human... Human really so dark, sometime good but sometime cruel in the same time... Is there any chance for me to bring back my belief to human?...  The one I know now is only God who can help me...

My last hope..

So many things happen to  me... So many feeling I already feel... So many times I want to give up... Give up to my life... Give up to people kindness... Give up to hope I already made... God, please help me... Lead me to the light... I need Ur light, Ur kindness, Ur heart, Ur love.... I need them to keep myself live... Please God help me...

Today's awful!!

OMG, a few hour ago I feel so dissapointed and mad. My internet connection suddenly dead when I was doing my work, arg!! So I called their customer service directly but there is no answer, just, "sory, our service now is busy, try again in few minute later...". But when i called again after a half hour, i still got that replay. Urggg!! So I try to fixed it myself. I really-really need internet connection to send an email for my work, T_T. Fortunately, My effort is works!! My internet connection is running again, XD~. But still, i just think how useless their customer service is!!

Today's new

Today, I've got a new hair model, yay!! Finally, T___T after have a lot mind about it and choose a good time... But I fell a little dissapointed with my new pony.. It's like I don't have it at all!! OMG!! I feel bad and shame about it. I hope everything still gonna be okay and they don't talk about me...

Today's work (It's very... very tired!)

Today, I just went to work like usual. But, today's work is really...really...really tireeeeeeeeed, (T__T). I feel pain and hurt from all of my body. Like I have been punched or have a big fight with someone... So, after this, I want to take a rest for some hour then, I will continue my 'other work' like usual.
Beside that tired works, actually today can classified as a happy day, little... I ate together with my coworker, siska, bought something that I want and bought a present for my two sisters, a cute strap hanphone. I hope they will like it....
The most important thing for today resolution is I still feel grateful about everything I have been through and can said Thank's to my God from the bottom of my heart. I feel so tired, my physically of course but somehow, deep down my heart and mind, I feel peace and warm... Like "I can do it anything!"... Hmm... maybe I too positive thinking lately.. But that's a good thing, I think...

Today is fabulous!

Today is amaaaaaaaaziiiing!! Hmm, even in the morning i have crying a little bit, ha3x. But, after work, my happiness grew more and more, XD~. I can play play piano until 5 pages!! and when I came home, I have a dinner with delicious vegetables!! Yay!! Maybe my friend is right that I must forgive myself and open myself too. So I can recieve bless and happiness that God gives to me. Thank u so much God for today!! Love U, <3

Today's happiness

Today, I feel happy for gathering with my fam, have a dinner together, have a little chit chat. I just feel this is maybe what God gives to me. Maybe, I must recollect everthing that I have been decided for a long time and make sure that if this one what God wants and that one what God doesn't want me to do...
I will start everything again and walk in His way. I must bring a happiness to my family and my best friend. That's an important duty for me now as a human. I will try again and don't give up to my miserable thing. I will trust to "there's a will, there's a way" things... Bless me God...

Today's entertainment

Today, I don't know why my feelings like become a different way every minute I breath. When I have a problem with one of my coworkers, I feel so sad but I still can bear it. But, when he calls me and I hear his voice, I feel like I want to cry even I don't know why I became like that. I don't want to hear his voice so much until I feel his voice is killing me slowly... killing my mental, my heart, my feelings.....
My breath like stop in one minute! OMG... Fortunately, I can manage myself in some minutes and can come back to my work again. Thank u so much God for this... After that, I decided to 'turn off' my feelings again. I close the door to my heart closely until I cann't feel anything and it's work!!
I can be happy again and begin to make some plan to hang out with my friend. So after work, I went to Gajah Mada mall with my friend, mina. In that mall, we have a dinner at Yang To Fu (my favourite restaurant for now, :D), went to the pet shop to look so many cute animals!! and then, eat oreo and vanilla pancake at coppacoffee. Makes me always happy all the time!!
Then, we come back to her home to have a little chit-chat and take a rest. A while later, her sister came back from her work and ask us to went to the Giant supermarket with her. I think there is something I want to buy too. So we went to that supermarket and bought everything we need. Then at 21.00, we went home to our home. And now, I'm here, come back to my compie and write to my dear diary for today's activity, :).


Oreo & Vanilla pancake

A new one... A new me..

Today, i just begin a new day for myself. I wake up in the morning with a light heart and a smile in my face. I have never been like this almost two months ago. Maybe it because I never throw up everything I have like this, forgive myself, back to my God and let's a new one flow with me... So, I feel a little excited when i walk around the way to my office. When I arrive at my office I have a delicious breakfast which make my heart feel more happier than it was! XD~. So, after that I ready to work with a new 'strenght', ha3x.
Fortunetly, today there is no problem at my office. We (me and my coworkers) just work and have a little chit-chat peacefully. Sometimes, we laugh together and listening music. What a happy day today!! Thx God, :)
And now, I already at my home sweet home and ready to take a bath for a few minutes later. Don't forget to continue my writing after take a bath, ho3x

Today's will

Today... i don't go to work like usually coz i get hurt on my stomach... But fortunately, that hurt has gone in no time!! Yay!! After that, i just sleep and sleep until i realize that the time already show 13.45!! OMG!! I slept to long! I don't have any breakfast or lunch yet!! Oh my gosh!!
So awfull. But I think, "That's ok. That already happened and I just have to continue my day". With that, I have a good idea. I decided to use this free day with watch a movie with my two younger sisters (deris and velis). After velis come home from her school, we went to Plaza Indonesia by busway. But somehow, today's busway run so slowly make my head boiled! Even bicycle run more faster than busway! (-_-;).
At 16.45, we arrive at PI, huu... That movie play at 16.35. So we run so fast to the theater. Fortunately, we can catch it. We watch despicable me. That movie very funny which make us laugh and laugh every minute, ha3x.
Hmmm... today had so much fun I think... and when i surfing internet I found website which give an example how to make a bento. That's make me want to make it once too, :). I hope I can do it.. 

It has been a long time...

Wew, I haven't update my blog for a long time now. There's so much things to do, there is some brokedown and etc. Make me don't have an urge to write something (what the!? u just lazy, isn't it!? ha3x). But now, I already made up my mind and decided to comeback again to this blog. Hmp... so happy to write again...

A little scared...

In the morning, I feel so happy. God already answer my question with His own way... He make me meet my old friend even I and her live in different place. She said she will move to the place which is near my house with her sister. That's make me incredibelly happy! Make me smile all the way to my office.
I think, 'Today is the best day I ever had in this week!'. Then, something happen again! My work place run out of electric and cann't work! I think, 'wow! I can take a rest'. But unfortunately, I don't know what will happen next. I'm so happy until I forget about something... Forget that this isn't just about myself but other people too.
Now, I feel about that... There's no sign about him today at all like he already gone to some other place I don't know about. When I call his esia phone, I get strucked with some girl answer his phone. I know I cann't be narrow minded for something I don't sure about but... my feeling like I already lost something.... Then, I try to calm down and call his other phone but there's no answer. I try to send a message but I didn't get his replay...
I hope this not a bad sign...

Finally..... I made my decision..

After a long while i write this blog with indonesia language, I cann't manage my desire to write in english, T_T. So after this post, I will write according to my will. I will write in english if I want to and I will write in indonesia if i want to write in indonesia language.
Today, like usually, I go to the church to teach in sunday school at 9 a.m. The sun shines so brightly. But I'm still happy to go there, :). I teach (still assistant I thnk...err...) them and hear a frightening things. Other teacher said they will go for LC's program next sunday so I will be the one to teach the kids (even there is other assistant than me). "OMG!!" I thought. How can I teach them with this small skill?... Can I?... But they said, "Yes, u can". So I try to be a little confident and think I can do it. I will try it and do my best! Ganbatte ne, glen-chan!!
After sunday school over, I went home directly. I feel my body more weaker than usual. So I sleep for 3 hours (maybe). Moreover, the weather makes me feel more sleepy than before. The sky looked so dark and cloudy. The wind feel so cold. I really-really like this kind of weather. But, make me feel a little sad too. Usually, in this weather, I can write so much story but now, I cann't write even a single thing. I wonder what happen with me?... Huuh....
Maybe someday, I can back to my 'old' self... (I hope, T-T). So I slept and wake up at 2 p.m then write my blog like now, he3x...

A gift for my sister

Hari ini, aku tidak bisa bekerja karena sakit, huu... Rasanya tidak enak sekali, T_T. Selain itu, aku juga harus pergi ke dokter. Begitu pergi ke dokter, ternyata aku mendengar hal yang agak aneh. Dokter itu bilang aku radang tenggorokan, darah rendah, maag... Padahal awalnya, alasan aku pergi ke dokter karena aku sakit perut dan maag saja.. Hmm.... mungkin kesehatanku memang agak menurun kali ya....
Setelah itu, mumpung aku sempat, aku juga langsung latihan piano di tempat aku les biasanya. Rasanya begitu menyenangkan bisa menekan tuts-tuts piano dan mendengar suaranya yang begitu indah. Rasa sakitku jadi tidak begitu terasa jadinya, he3x... Mudah-mudahan aku segera mahir memainkan piano seperti chiaki~senpai, :)
Kira-kira jam 11.30, aku pulang ke rumah hanya untuk mendapati rumahku yang sudah kosong karena pada pergi, jadi aku langsung makan sambil surfing di internet tanpa ada yang mengganggu seperti biasanya, he3x.. Begitu aku surfing ternyata aku menemukan sebuah manga karangan mitsuki-sensei yang sangat disukai oleh adikku. Tanpa pikir panjang lagi aku langsung mendownloadnya. Semoga dia senang dengan "hadiahku" ini, :)

Music always around my life...

Hari ini, akhirnya aku bisa juga menguasai legato!!!! Yay!!!! Akhirnya, (T__T)... Padahal dulu terasa sangat susaaaaaaaahhhhh..... sekali! Hampir mau nangis tiap kali melakukan latihan sendirian. Tapi begitu berhasil melakukannya, rasanya bahagia berkali-kali lipat!! He3x... Hanya saja, setelah ini masih banyak latihan-latihan "keras" yang telah menantiku. Semoga aku bisa melewatinya dengan baik.....

Today's weird..

Aku tak mengerti.. hari ini kenapa begitu memusingkan. Awalnya begitu banyak kerjaan yang harus aku selesaikan tadi siang. Tapi meskipun begitu aku tetap merasa senang. Apalagi mp4 ku sudah kembali benar. Aku pun sudah membeli animonster baru juga sudah memakai long dress baru dari batik.
Tapi tiba-tiba semua itu berubah. Mulai dari mamaku yang komplain soal internet yang mempengaruhi soal telpon sampai pada temanku yang tiba-tiba marah padaku hanya karena aku tidak online di ym.... Sungguh aneh.... Apa aku tidak boleh punya waktu untuk menyendiri selama beberapa waktu?... Bukankah aku berkuasa atas diriku sendiri?...

Today's feeling...

Hari ini dari pagi aku sudah merasa aneh. Tanpa sebab yang jelas aku merasa gundah dan khawatir meski sekrang semua mulai berjalan sempurna. Dan yang lebih aneh lagi, tiba-tiba aku bisa mendengar suara alunan piano yang selama ini jarang kudengar dan selalu kunanti-nantikan itu. Apa itu suatu tanda?...
Begitu tiba di kantor, seperti biasa aku mengerjakan berbagai macam kerjaan yang sudah menumpuk dan sudah ter-deadline dengan sempurnanya. Membuat kepalaku hampir pusing dan merasa gila! Tapi aku tetap mengerjakannya karena itu sudah menjadi kewajibanku. Dan di saat makan siang, aku pergi ke mall dan membeli mp4 baru yang imut dan tidak begitu mahal. Aku merasa begitu senang pada awalnya.
Sorenya ketika aku sudah mau pulang kantor, aku menarik kembali pikiran yang sudah aku putuskan sejak tadi pagi yaitu tidak jadi berlatih piano, T-T. Tubuhku terasa begitu lelah sampai aku hampir berpikir untuk langsung ambruk di ranjang begitu tiba di rumah. 
Di tengah perjalanan pulang, aku kembali mendengar alunan piano lagi. Aku langsung terdiam sejenak dan berpikir, "What the!?". Selama ini aku begitu sulit untuk mendengar alunan piano itu tapi hari ini aku sampai mendengarnya 2 kali! Aku langsung merasa pasti ada sesuatu yang tidak benar. Ternyata benar saja dugaanku, begitu kunyalakan mp4 begitu tiba di rumah, dia tidak menyala! WUAAAAAAA!!!!!
Aku jadi harus kembali ke sana lagi besok untuk membetulkannya, (-_-). Huh..... mudah-mudahan besok bisa betul dan aku bisa langsung memakainya...



Today's learning!

Hari ini, setelah mencoba dari kemarin, akhirnya berhasil juga untuk merubah template my blog menjadi lebih imuuuuttt!!!!! Hontou ni ureshiii!!!!!! ho3x... Padahal kupikir awalnya hanya aku saja orang yang tak mungkin bisa merubah template blog-ku sendiri, fu3x.. Ternyata tidak! Yay! Tapi ini juga berkat bantuan dari temanku, mr. wira. Thx a lot for ur help today, :)
Dengan begini, maka dimulailah hari meng-update blog dengan rajin, ho3x.. Mudah2an bisa terus berlanjut tanpa ada absen, he3x..

A new day, A new me...

Sekarang, semua harapanku sudah musnah dan hancur berkeping-keping. Tidak tersisa apa-apa sama sekali kecuali pekerjaan, cita-cita dan masalah yang selalu datang menghampiriku. Aku benar-benar sudha bosan dengan hidup yang aneh ini. Tapi, aku tidak akan diam saja. Aku akan berubah... meskipun apa yang kupercayai sudah hilang...

Ureshiiii naaaaaa!!!!!

Hari ini, aku sungguh merasa senang. Memang awalnya aku merassa sedih karena tidak bisa ke gereja seperti biasanya, T-T. Tapi **-san sudah mengobati kesedihanku, terlebih lagi aku sudah mengirim email padanya, (>.<). Membuatku berdebar-debar menunggu balasan darinya. Selain itu, aku juga sudah berhasil mendownload chp 8 dan 9 nya dari **-san, yay!! Tak sabar untuk membacanya nanti, he3x..
Entah kenapa, hari ini aku merasa sangat happy! Seperti semua semangatku berkumpul menjadi satu dan meledak begitu saja! Begitu banyak hal yang mau aku lakukan. Begitu banyak pula yang aku inginkan. Dari membaca lanjutan cerita, menulis lanjutan cerita yang selama ini kubuat sampai pada latihan piano yang akan aku lakukan setelah ini. Tidak lupa aku juga happy karena hari ini 'dia' sudah memberikan jawaban yang tepat atas pertanyaanku kemarin. Memang jawabannya tidak berarti apa-apa bila dibandingkan dengan 'perjalanan' yang akan kami lalui nanti. Karena ini baru permulaan...hmmm... tapi untuk sejauh ini, semuanya berjalan lancar dan menyenangkan. Semoga terus begini, :p.
Tapi yang paling penting dari semua ini, begitu banyak hal yang harus aku syukuri dan aku harus gives God a lot of "Thank's" from the bottom of my heart atas apa yang Dia telah berikan padaku selama ini. Thank u so much, God!! :D

In the middle of different path of life....

Saat ini, aku seperti berada di tengah-tengah persimpangan jalan yang begitu banyak... Aku tidak tahu mana jalan yang terbaik bagiku ... Atau apakah semuanya ternyata jalan yang salah bagiku?.... Apa jalan yang Tuhan pilihkan untukku tidak ada di antara semua jalan yang terbentang di depan kedua mataku ini?...
Padahal, saat ini aku sudah mulai mendapatkan apa yang aku mau. Orang yang aku sayangi,  les piano yang selama ini aku dambakan, pekerjaan yang  kudapatkan dengan mudah... Tapi, kenapa masih banyak kekhawatiran yang aku rasakan hingga membuatku kadang tidak merasa sebagai seorang manusia lagi? Aku bosan menjadi manusia... Aku bosan hidup seperti ini... Entah apa yang merasukiku, aku seperti berubah perlahan-lahan. Apa aku menjadi dewasa?... Ataukah aku berubah menjadi orang  yang tak kukenal sama sekali?.... Kurasa, hanya Tuhan yang tahu jawabannya... Aku hanya berharap tidak ada hal buruk yang akan terjadi...

Pameran pertama

Aku tak menyangka, pameran pertamaku begitu membosankan. Tak seperti yang kulihat dulu ketika aku belum kerja. Stand ku berantakan, semua blm selesai dan kami belum menjual apapun jg. Tapi mungkin karena ramai, aku jadi merasa tidak begitu jenuh. Mudah-mudahan bis ini kami bs menjual. Amin.

Happy chinese new year's celebration

Hari ini, dari awal bangun pagi,aku sudah berpikir bahwa hari ini akan jadi hal yang melelahkan. Tapi ternyata, hari ini bisa di bilang cukup menyenangkan. Awalnya dimulai dengan datangnya ququ dan keluarganya (satu hal yang membuatku merasa aku "benar-benar" memiliki saudara selain saudara inti), aku benar-benar merasa bahagia.
Setelah itu, aku baru pergi ke keluarga ayahku di sebuah hotel yang ada di jakarta. Tapi ternyata, cukup menyenangkan dengan adanya acara foto-foto.
Begitu pulang, aku melakukan hal yang sudah lama tidak kulakukan sama sekali yaitu MENONTON! Aku menonton banyak variety show yang lucu sekali membuatku merasa bahagia tapi, hanya itu saja. Setelahnya,aku kembali menjadi glenys yang biasa. Yang suka musik, diam seribu bahasa serta berpikir untuk bagaimana kehidupan keesokan harinya. Juga soal keberadaan 'dia' yang kembali menghilang. Aku hanya berpikir, lebih baik memikirkan soal hidup dan karier saat ini. Biarlah Tuhan saja yang memilihkan apa yang terbaik untukku. Juga soal 'dia'...

Today's schedule

Hari ini, semua jadwal gagal gara-gara ujan gede,huu... Padahal mikirnya uda happy banget kemarin tapi apa boleh buat ya.. Setidaknya ada beberapa hal baru yang menyenangkan. Mudah-mudahan bisa terlaksana lain waktu. Yang pasti bukan hari ini tentunya, :p

In the middle of so many way...

Baru kali ini...aku merasakan yang namanya pertentangan yang ada di dalam diriku... Di dalam diriku, aku merasakan hati dan pikiran rasionalku sedang 'bertengkar' dengan sangat hebat. Hal ini membuatku tidak bisa tidur selama berhari-hari, aku seolah-olah mati rasa, tidak ada semangat untuk mengerjakan sesuatu. Padahal aku tidak mau begini... Apa ini merupakan dampak dari perginya 'separuh jiwaku'?... Dia tak kembali seolah-olah menghilang, di telan oleh bumi... Aku hanya berpikir, mungkin ini keputusan yang Tuhan berikan untukku atas doa-doaku selam ini tentangnya...  Atau, aku merasakan hal ini karena adanya pertentangan antara menjalankan hobiku atau melanjutkan masa depanku?..
Aku benar-benar takut... Aku tidak mau begini.. Aku  mau kembali ke 'diriku yang dulu'... Yang tidak memikirkan apa-apa selain meneruskan hidupku. Apa yang harus kupilih? Semua 'pintu' seolah-olah terbuka untukku dengan lebarnya sementara aku harus memilihnya dengan waktu yang sangat cepat sebelum 'pintu-pintu' ini tertutup kembali. Sementara aku berpikir, waktu terus berjalan tanpa pernah mau berhenti sebentar saja... Semua teman-temanku sudah menentukan hidup mereka dan bahkan sudah bekerja. Sementara aku?... Masih berada di tengah-tengah kebimbangan yang aneh ini.. Apa yang harus aku lakukan Tuhan?...

Today's activity

Hari ini, dari pagi-pagi sekali aku sudah pergi ke kampus untuk menyelesaikan 'pekerjaan terakhirku' setelah aku lulus. Awalnya aku mengambil Hard Cover dan pergi menemui tiga dosen untuk menandatangani skripsi punyaku. Yang membuatku terkejut dan sedikit senang adalah ketika aku meminta tanda tangan dari dosen ps-ku, beliau menanyakan kabarku! Apa aku sudah melamar pekerjaan, kenapa belum melamar, dll. Rasanya begitu menyenangkan! Beliau yang terlihat sangat berwibawa dan agak 'galak' biasanya (he3x...), terlihat begitu manusiawi di mataku. Rasanya aku seperti berbicara dengan keluargaku sendiri, ho3x.. 
Setelah itu, dua dosen yang berikutnya langsung menandatangani tanpa ba-bi-bu lagi. Tapi, aku tetap bersyukur karena begitu lancar. Hasilnya, aku beberapa kali turun naik lantai 1-7, (T-T).
Setelah ini, masih banyak lagi yang ingin kulakukan. Hobby-hobby yang biasa kulakukan sebelum aku lulus dulu sampai pada istirahat dan memikirkan masa depanku.
Wew, kalau kupikir-pikir, masa depan  terasa begitu menakutkan karena kita tidak tahu apa yang akan terjadi nanti. Semalam saja, hal itu terus memenuhi otakku sampai aku tidak bisa tidur, huu... Yah, tapi aku tidak mau banyak berpikir lagi. Lebih baik kujalani saja apa yang ada...

A critical condition....

Saat ini, entah mengapa aku merasa aneh... Aku tidak bisa merasakan apa-apa... Ketika aku makan, ketika aku sedang bekerja, ketika aku sedang berjalan atau apapun.. Aku tidak mengerti kenapa bisa begini dan ini membuatku sangat menderita. Sebagai manusia, aku tidak merasa seperti 'manusia'... Apa yang salah pada diriku? Kalau aku bisa meminta pada Tuhan, aku ingin merestart diriku sehingga aku mulai lagi semuanya tanpa penyesalan, kesedihan, keputusasaan serta kebahagiaan semu yang selama ini kurasakan.

Selama ini, aku hanya ingin kebahagiaan tapi, sangat susah untuk kudapatkan. Padahal kebahagiaan yang kuinginkan tidak ada hubungannya dengan harta sama sekali. Kebahagiaan yang kuinginkan hanyalah kebahagiaan yang simple. Bahkan, orangtua-ku pun tidak bisa memberikan itu, aku hanya bahagia dengan usahaku sendiri dan terkadang aku-lah yang berusaha membuat kebahagiaan itu terjadi tanpa usaha dari mereka dan yang lain. Membuatku berpikir, apa hanya aku saja yang ingin bahagia?... Aku tahu, orangtua-ku tidak romantis dan agak kaku tapi, permintaanku hanyalah mereka memberikanku kebahagian sedikiiiiiit.....saja. Apa salah jika aku meminta kebahagiaan yang tidak 'mahal'?...

Aku bahkan sudah tidak mengenali diriku lagi sekarang. Semua seolah-olah begitu 'aneh' . Aku seperti orang yang berbeda dari yang lain... Ketika aku jalan, di tengah kerumunan orang banyak, aku seolah-olah 'orang' dari planet lain. Bahkan kebahagiaan yang kecil pun tidak dapat kurasakan. Alunan piano yang selalu kudengar setiap pagi ketika aku berjalan melewati jalan yang selalu kulewati pun tidak terdengar lagi... Musik-musik yang selalu membuatku 'hidup' pun tak bisa kurasakan lagi...

Aku tidak mau begini!.. Aku tidak mau... Jiwa psikologi-ku seolah-olah sudah menjudge bahwa aku ini gila. Aku tidak mau itu terjadi! Masih banyak cita-cita yang ingin kucapai, masih banyak rencana-rencana yang harus kujalankan... Aku harus bangkit. Ingin rasanya 'kutampar' diriku biar sadar bahwa dunia ini tidak seindah dan seadil yang kuimpikan... Tapi, aku takut... sangat takut... kenyataan begitu mengerikan... Membuatku ingin berlari sejauh mungkin. Setiap hari aku berdoa dan memohon pada Tuhan, sadarkan aku dan buatlah aku kuat untuk tetap hidup tanpa kebahagiaan ataupun 'dia'. Aku harus kuat untuk menjalani hidupku yang mulai menemui banyak jalan yang bercabang ini... Bantu aku Tuhan... 

Finally!!

Akhirnya, setelah lama deg-degan dan tidak tahu berapa nilai sidang, tahu juga berapa nilai sidang sa-chan. Horee!! Ureshii na!! \(^-^)/. Kata temen sih nilai segitu dapatnya A-, ho3x... Seneng banget klo bener dapet A-.
Selain itu, tadi sa-chan juga udah kasih hadiah buat 'babe'. 'Babe' sampe kaget waktu sa-chan kasih. Dia bilang, 'apa nih?'. Trus sa-chan jawab, 'Hadiah pak. Sebagai rasa terima kasih.' Setelah itu sih 'babe' ga berubah sikapnya, cuma kalo sa-chan liat dari wajahnya, sepertinya 'babe' senang, :).  Jadi sa-chan tinggal merevisi  format skripsi yang salah. Abis itu tinggal tanda tangan para dosen aja, ho3x...
Hari ini jadi terasa begitu menyenangkan. Berarti ntar bisa 'kerja' dengan penuh semangat nih, ha3x...

Life

Hari ini, pagi-pagi udah di kejar-kejar ma waktu sampe cape, huh... Harus cuci foto sebelum kumpulin formulir kelulusan di kampus. Untung masih keburu, fiuh... Bis itu, seperti biasa pergi ke tempat-tempat yang 'wajib' di kunjungi setiap ke kampus dan berakhir dengan warnet, he3x..
Setelah itu, jam 4 lanjut ngelesin lagi sampe jam setengah 8. Sebenarnya kalau di pikir-pikir rutinitas itu hal yang sangat membosankan... Kita seperti robot yang sudah di 'stel' untuk melakukan ini dan itu. Untungnya dalam hidupku ini ada teman-teman, musik dan berbagai macam hal lain yang membuat hidup ini begitu berwarna. Kalau tidak ada itu, mungkin aku akan memilih untuk 'tidur selamanya' seperti putri tidur yang tidur berabad-abad..
Tapi, terkadang hidup pun sangat menyenangkan. Banyak hal tak terduga dan membuat kita tersenyum hanya karena hal kecil saja yang terasa begitu bermakna daripada memiliki harta yang berlimpah ruah. Karena itu, aku berpikir untuk melakukan 'pertualangan hidup' yang membuatku menemukan hal-hal yang baru dan tak terduga lainnya sehingga hidup tak terasa membosankan lagi. Aku harap aku bisa melakukannya sebelum 'kewajiban'-ku mengikatku erat-erat...

A beautifull film for this week!!




Shiroi Haru
Cast by : Hiroshi Abe as Sakura Haruo
                Ohashi Nozomi as Murakami Sachi

Former yakuza Haruo is finally released from prison after completing his sentence. With nine years worth of prison gratuities in hand, he stops at a restaurant to enjoy a good meal, but all of his money ends up being stolen. With nothing left, he spends the night at a net cafe, and he manages to look up his old friend from his yakuza days. When Haruo visits the next day, he learns that his old girlfriend Mariko was living with another man, but later died of illness. Haruo, who had committed murder 9 years earlier to earn the money for Mariko's medical treatment, is shocked and angered. He decides to track down that other man, who runs a bakery with his wife and daughter Sachi. Haruo later runs into Sachi at the park, but he has yet to find out the truth about her.

Comment : 
This film is the greatest dorama film i ever watch beside sekai no chuusin. In every episode, u will shed a tear from ur heart because the scene. Even, Haruo-san is like a cold person from his apperance, his heart very warm.. Through his eyes, we can tell how he feels in the bottom of his heart. If u want to find a warm and beautifull film, u must see this film. I really2 recomended it!! U will like it in no time! (Same like me, :D)   

Moshi-moshi!!!

Finally!!!!... I can make my second blog in indonesia language, he3x... With this blog, i hope a can share many information for all of u, :)