We always feel insecure and afraid? That's why we were called human..

Hmm... Lately, I always feel insecure and afraid even there is nothing happend, really.... This make me think, maybe I'm getting crazy?.. I mean, I already have a good family, stable job, good friends, etc but I still feel like that! Err... Make me confused about myself...

I pray to my God to asked what's wrong with me but there's no answer (maybe THERE is an answer but I'm still not getting it, ~___~). Is that the reason why we were called a "human"?... Never feel satisfied, always feel lack of this - lack of that...

But this doesn't mean I'm not grateful to God for what I already had until know. I really feel grateful to Him for His bless, His gift to me... But somehow, I still feel like this... T__T. I feel pity and sad to myself. Am I just thinking too much? or my mind already full of every big & little matters in my life? I don't understand... *sigh*. One thing that makes me over deppressed now, is my skill of writing... Somehow, I cann't write some story anymore, T___T. That's make me feel that I became an "impotent" person who lack of writing skill.. "Where did my old self go?..", that question always come to my mind.

Maybe I must do some adventure or journey alone to find "my old self".... So that what I will do later, collect my holiday into "one week holiday", pack up my things then go. I hope this can help me... Just me, God and the nature...

Despair... T__T

There are so much things that come into my mind and fill it without any hesitation. I'm sick of it! I don't want to think! Everytime, I try to be positive, there is always obstacles beside it. I'm just an ordinary human. My brain cann't take it all. This hurt me so much until I want to cry.... to sleep for a long time and don't wake up....  This is too unbearable, T___T
I'm just a human who want to live peacefully without any problem. I don't want to have high expectation, I don't want to be tell by someone who didn't know me at all. God please help me.... I'm feel despair with this life... My heart feel empty from time to time... I want to go back... to my 'old' self.... I don't want to be impotent in writing like this... I feel like I lost my soul... and there is no one who can help me beside u...
Please...help...

Yesterday's surprise!! ^^

Yesterday, I'm shock! I got my surprise even there is no special reason for it, he3x. That happened when I want to hang out with my bf. He called me when He already arrived at my home and said I must went down to the front door now. I didn't think about anything beside 'He will mad if he must waited for me too long' so I went downstairs. But when I opened my front door, plop! I saw a bouquet of rose for me! (^o^).
He just said,'This for u'. I said, 'why?'. But he didn't give me any answer beside pinched my cheeks, T__T. Then, we just went to City Walk mall and have a dinner at Nanny's pavillon restaurant. That restaurant's decoration really like a living room with a lovely furniture! Omg, he really know what I like, XD. In that restaurant we can order some pasta, carbonara, fettucini, different taste of pancake, waffle and baked rice with different topping. But that timE, i REALLY want to eat spaghetti bolognise. So I ordered it, yay! with blueberry lemonade for drink.
After that lovely & delicious dinner, I bought chicken soup for the unsinkable soul (hey, u still don't read another book that u already bought two days ago! :p). Then he said something unbelievable things, "Let's eat some ice cream now". Ha3x, he really-really KNOW what I like, XD. So we continue our dinner to rabusa and eat some ice cream named Tutti Frutti.
Really, I didn't know why he really-really spoiled me yesterday. Not that I didn't happy with that. I just feel curious. He just said,"Is it wrong if I spoiled my own gf?", made me cann't answer his question, ~_~. So I said thank u and feel grateful for that.

Today, like I said before, I want to rest all day by my own self. So he went with his fam to GI (he still contact & message me though). Today's weather so cloudy and rain for some hours, makes me want to sleep if I don't remember about what I must do today (continue my writings, read chicken soup, play PS2 with my sister, have a snack [what the!?], open my blog, my Lj, download some manga updates, etc). But that's what I love so I feel happy and writing this post with listening hip hop, pop, jazz's songs, *big wide grins* :D

Human...or not?....

Have u ever feel like u're not human?... U see, I have... For no reason, my feeling getting abstract and darker... I cann't think about something lovevable, happiness, etc... My mind just stuck and blank. There is nothing I want to do, to eat, to think, to feel... I feel like my soul already 'sleep' from now...

Everyday I work from 08.30 until 17.30. There is a schedule for everything... I want to study, must study... but my brain refuse to to that... I feel empty, tired and just want to sleep for a ling time... I hope I'm not getting crazy coz of this..... T_T. Or i already feel boring about everything and give up to do anything?.. So complicated..

Weird for me when I can be positive and negative at the same time........

Today...today...err... raining again!?...

It's raining again... That happen almost everyday now. Actually, I like this weather but when I stay at home, (~_~). If I'm outside, that's really irritated me. Example today, there is a heavy rain and traffic jam is everywhere!! Oh God... So I got late to my office, T____T. Uhh, I hope I can stay at home and start writing (so, why don't u work as a writer? That's a heavy question even I'm the one who ask myself. Then I just sigh and said "silly thought" to myself).
Then at my office, my friend asked me why I'm late. I answered it and just comment, "I think I should buy waterproof jacket for me.". Then my friend just, "Hah? Is that how u said it in english?". "Don't know. I just give that name, myself." then she just laughed. Hem... I think that's mean I use the wrong words until she think that funny, T___T. Is there a proper word to called it beside waterproof jacket? Is there any, what is it? Unfortunately I don't know about it myself, ha3x. Make me said to myself, "Sometimes, u can be so stupid like that" ;)).
But that's what I liked, sometimes I give nicknames to things (not every things, not electronic things too) such as, "tokoroten". That word is what would i said if I see a bakery. That's silly though, ha3x. But I love it to do that. So I never mind about them. My fam accept that too. Even my sis sometimes said, "mom, u know, she found a new tokoroten again at some mall.". They know that I love food so much and feel interesting if I can find a new tokoroten, choose what bread is special in that tokoroten. That's it, I just love to through my life with the things i Like to do, ha3x, :3.
Ekkhh!? I think I talk a litte bit too far from my main topic, he3x. But that's ok. I'm just the way I am. :)