An ordinary life?

"We won't ever die if our dreams never die"... I didn't remember from who I hear that sentence. But that sentence still remains in my head when I think about my dreams. I don't know why but I feel my dreams already gone from my mind, slowly but sure.... I feel like "my old self" will dissapear completely and I will live in the reality without no dreams, imagination. What's wrong with me actually?...

I'm really scared but don't know how to fixed this feeling... I know I just an ordinary girl and didn't have anything special in me. But I feel like I will change & become another person that has so much different things with me now... Is this mean I will become a mature woman in no time?.... That the last thing I want to happen, T___T.

Uhh, God please help me... Guide me to the "right" way.... I'm scared..

My lovely day!! XD

I'm so happy today!! At first, I went to the supermarket with my lovely sister to bought some snack, food and drinks for us (even there was some snack still in our refrigrator, :P. That's ok coz we love snack so much!! \(^o^)/). Finally, I can bought a bottle of Carlsberg too, he3x. I had been longing for this beer before, TAT. So, I'm happily take that bottle to the cashier, ;)).
After that, we went home and did some girl's activities to treat our face, :p. Before that, she dye her hair with black colour (her hair was brown before, ho4x). Make me feel jealous somehow. I want to dye my hair with mahogany colour but I cann't coz of my hair's health, T___T. But, that's ok! I will do it someday! *full of passion*.
Not long after that, My lil' sister's friends came to my house to study together, So I made some edamame for their snack & made some onigiri and fried egg for our dinner, XD. Then, suddenly my lil' sister called me and said that our "daily" cat was coming, Yay!! That's made me so happy coz I never had a chance even just one to meet that cat coz of my job and my activities, TT___TT. So without any hesitation, I went to the upstairs (to the third floor of my house) and meet that cat. She (the cat) is so cuteeeee, like what I have imagine before, yeeee!!! *crying in a happiness*. I quickly take some photo of her! and fed her my homemade's onigiri. Fortunately, she want to ate it without any problem, he3x. After that, I and my lil' sis got down to the downstairs coz the sky became dark with a satisfied heart, :D.

Finally, I think there was no special occasion today but somehow, I feel so happy, refreshed, peace and special coz of that "warmth" activities (for me, XD). I can did something that I cann't do on the weekdays like did something with my fam or did something that I like. So I'm really-really grateful & thank's to my God, :). I hope next weekend, I can do something the same as today. A wonderful & lovely day without any problem & my job. Now, I will continue my writing and have a dinner with my two sisters. After that, I'm ready to rest my body and mind until next day has to come, to back again to my daily's rutine, :)

We always feel insecure and afraid? That's why we were called human..

Hmm... Lately, I always feel insecure and afraid even there is nothing happend, really.... This make me think, maybe I'm getting crazy?.. I mean, I already have a good family, stable job, good friends, etc but I still feel like that! Err... Make me confused about myself...

I pray to my God to asked what's wrong with me but there's no answer (maybe THERE is an answer but I'm still not getting it, ~___~). Is that the reason why we were called a "human"?... Never feel satisfied, always feel lack of this - lack of that...

But this doesn't mean I'm not grateful to God for what I already had until know. I really feel grateful to Him for His bless, His gift to me... But somehow, I still feel like this... T__T. I feel pity and sad to myself. Am I just thinking too much? or my mind already full of every big & little matters in my life? I don't understand... *sigh*. One thing that makes me over deppressed now, is my skill of writing... Somehow, I cann't write some story anymore, T___T. That's make me feel that I became an "impotent" person who lack of writing skill.. "Where did my old self go?..", that question always come to my mind.

Maybe I must do some adventure or journey alone to find "my old self".... So that what I will do later, collect my holiday into "one week holiday", pack up my things then go. I hope this can help me... Just me, God and the nature...

Despair... T__T

There are so much things that come into my mind and fill it without any hesitation. I'm sick of it! I don't want to think! Everytime, I try to be positive, there is always obstacles beside it. I'm just an ordinary human. My brain cann't take it all. This hurt me so much until I want to cry.... to sleep for a long time and don't wake up....  This is too unbearable, T___T
I'm just a human who want to live peacefully without any problem. I don't want to have high expectation, I don't want to be tell by someone who didn't know me at all. God please help me.... I'm feel despair with this life... My heart feel empty from time to time... I want to go back... to my 'old' self.... I don't want to be impotent in writing like this... I feel like I lost my soul... and there is no one who can help me beside u...
Please...help...

Yesterday's surprise!! ^^

Yesterday, I'm shock! I got my surprise even there is no special reason for it, he3x. That happened when I want to hang out with my bf. He called me when He already arrived at my home and said I must went down to the front door now. I didn't think about anything beside 'He will mad if he must waited for me too long' so I went downstairs. But when I opened my front door, plop! I saw a bouquet of rose for me! (^o^).
He just said,'This for u'. I said, 'why?'. But he didn't give me any answer beside pinched my cheeks, T__T. Then, we just went to City Walk mall and have a dinner at Nanny's pavillon restaurant. That restaurant's decoration really like a living room with a lovely furniture! Omg, he really know what I like, XD. In that restaurant we can order some pasta, carbonara, fettucini, different taste of pancake, waffle and baked rice with different topping. But that timE, i REALLY want to eat spaghetti bolognise. So I ordered it, yay! with blueberry lemonade for drink.
After that lovely & delicious dinner, I bought chicken soup for the unsinkable soul (hey, u still don't read another book that u already bought two days ago! :p). Then he said something unbelievable things, "Let's eat some ice cream now". Ha3x, he really-really KNOW what I like, XD. So we continue our dinner to rabusa and eat some ice cream named Tutti Frutti.
Really, I didn't know why he really-really spoiled me yesterday. Not that I didn't happy with that. I just feel curious. He just said,"Is it wrong if I spoiled my own gf?", made me cann't answer his question, ~_~. So I said thank u and feel grateful for that.

Today, like I said before, I want to rest all day by my own self. So he went with his fam to GI (he still contact & message me though). Today's weather so cloudy and rain for some hours, makes me want to sleep if I don't remember about what I must do today (continue my writings, read chicken soup, play PS2 with my sister, have a snack [what the!?], open my blog, my Lj, download some manga updates, etc). But that's what I love so I feel happy and writing this post with listening hip hop, pop, jazz's songs, *big wide grins* :D

Human...or not?....

Have u ever feel like u're not human?... U see, I have... For no reason, my feeling getting abstract and darker... I cann't think about something lovevable, happiness, etc... My mind just stuck and blank. There is nothing I want to do, to eat, to think, to feel... I feel like my soul already 'sleep' from now...

Everyday I work from 08.30 until 17.30. There is a schedule for everything... I want to study, must study... but my brain refuse to to that... I feel empty, tired and just want to sleep for a ling time... I hope I'm not getting crazy coz of this..... T_T. Or i already feel boring about everything and give up to do anything?.. So complicated..

Weird for me when I can be positive and negative at the same time........

Today...today...err... raining again!?...

It's raining again... That happen almost everyday now. Actually, I like this weather but when I stay at home, (~_~). If I'm outside, that's really irritated me. Example today, there is a heavy rain and traffic jam is everywhere!! Oh God... So I got late to my office, T____T. Uhh, I hope I can stay at home and start writing (so, why don't u work as a writer? That's a heavy question even I'm the one who ask myself. Then I just sigh and said "silly thought" to myself).
Then at my office, my friend asked me why I'm late. I answered it and just comment, "I think I should buy waterproof jacket for me.". Then my friend just, "Hah? Is that how u said it in english?". "Don't know. I just give that name, myself." then she just laughed. Hem... I think that's mean I use the wrong words until she think that funny, T___T. Is there a proper word to called it beside waterproof jacket? Is there any, what is it? Unfortunately I don't know about it myself, ha3x. Make me said to myself, "Sometimes, u can be so stupid like that" ;)).
But that's what I liked, sometimes I give nicknames to things (not every things, not electronic things too) such as, "tokoroten". That word is what would i said if I see a bakery. That's silly though, ha3x. But I love it to do that. So I never mind about them. My fam accept that too. Even my sis sometimes said, "mom, u know, she found a new tokoroten again at some mall.". They know that I love food so much and feel interesting if I can find a new tokoroten, choose what bread is special in that tokoroten. That's it, I just love to through my life with the things i Like to do, ha3x, :3.
Ekkhh!? I think I talk a litte bit too far from my main topic, he3x. But that's ok. I'm just the way I am. :)