Earlier day on my holiday, XD

After had a lot of work (not wanting to remember about a piles of files, some~disturbing~emails, late breakfast & lunch plus disturbing people, T___T) last week, finally I can have my precious holidayyyy!!! Yayyy!!!! <3 <3.

I feel so happy & excited about it, just only to realized that I didn't have any plan at all for this holiday, (ToT). Stupid me! My last week was spend by extra-extra job from my senior & my bos! That's really wasted!! 0(`?´#)0

But then, I thought that It will be wasting my holiday If I just feel sorry about this and didn't enjoy it fully! \(^_^)/. So this holiday's theme is about rest, peace & food! (^3^)v =3. So when my friend asked me to sleep over at her house yesterday with another friends, I answered it in 5 seconds with "Yes!". She said, "wow! that's really fast! What's wrong with u?", I just "Ho3x", Xp.

So yesterday, became an awesome day on my earlier holiday. We cooked, ate, chit-chat, went shopping together. So much fun for such a simple plan! XD.
But then, I remember something. I missed my home, my fam & especially, my Lj!(;_;). I cann't life without them! Make me feel confused sometimes.. Why we always have two parts of thinking? I feel happy about gathering with my best friends but I keep thinking about my home, my fam & Lj. Hmmm.. maybe that's natural for us, as a human, to feel hesitate, uncertain, etc. (That's mean I cann't be separated from Lj even just one day!! >:), LoL. That's Lj for u, :p)

After my bf pick me up from my friend's house, we went to The supermarket to bought some groceries & hurry back to my home. And now, I'm already here, in front of my compie, smile contently, (^0^).

Unfortunately, my lil' sister isn't here. She has some activities from church for three days, make me missed her so much! (especially after I have a plan to hug her tightly when I got home, T___T). So I just sit quietly, write my journal, hug my cow (just a doll from game center yesterday, XD) plus eat my pocky, (~___~).

I hope tomorrow will be better than today *waiting patiently for Pirate of carribean new movie* (;-_-)=3. And have a nice day for all of u guys, <3

The things I like... (^___^)v

I like it when.....

* I can patted my~wild~own cat's head

* I can feel the night breeze on my face (it's scent too!! >.<)

* I can eat pocky & make sound "Po-ki...Po-ki..." continuously

* I hear & smell the scent of rain

* I can see the cloudy sky from my window

* I can write without any "pause"

* I can listening my favourites songs & sing it at the same time

* I walk slowly on the way to my home & keep staring at moon on the sky

* I can hear that "person" piano's play which always cheer me up

* I can spend all day at my house

* I can play & laughed together with my two lovely sisters

* I can eat delicious food without hear, "Hey, stop! You already eat too much!" :p

* I can lay on my bed with my pii & my Kou beside me, :) *suddenly miss them, T___T*

* My precious things still there & still in good condition

* I can make everyone smile, :)

* I can have a whole~week~holiday, nyaa!! <3

Heart saver from God & my lovely~wild~cat, :)

Today, I was so down coz I did some mistake in my piano lesson. Not like another day, Sensei really-really mad at me until his expression changed. Make me didn't want to see his face. I was so afraid that he scream at me. Sensei said my fingers so tensed & cann't relaxed. How can I be so relaxed if he keeps stared at me & my fingers? (T___T). Then, my mind gone blank *stupid me!* and cann't read some note. I was panicked.

I know that I wasn't at stage yet but only from his stare, I feel so small & cann't play anything. I tried to comfort myself & did my best but I still no good. He felt dissappointed & told me to practice more and more. I just quiet, didn't answer anything. I just think how can I divided my brain & focus to all of my activities at the same time?....

So I went home & feel despair (plus tired) somehow. But then, something happen! From out of nowhere, my wild~own~cat came to my balcony & "Miauw..Miauw" to me like a pet usually do when they want some attention from their master. I patted her head like usual & she keeps "Miauw...miauw" to me. She kept staring at me, exactly at my eyes (like she wants to say something) for a few minutes long. Make my heart feel warmth somehow and got my self courage again. She cheer me up & saved me with her own ways. Not only her, her kitten came too (even just look at me beside her mom, :p). She walked around me & stroke her head on my legs.
Really, I believe that God send me that little & lovely angel to cheer me up & accompany me until I feel ok. Thx God for Ur lovely "gift" & thank's to my sweet~wild~own cat, <3.

I will try again with my best effort, :)

Sometimes... World can be so cruel and unfair, T____T

"Sometimes... World can be so cruel and unfair", that sentence really common for us nowadays. There are so many things in this world can be happend without any explanation more further. For example, there is a boy who born to be a rich boy but really-really lazy but in another side, there is a boy who born to be a poor boy but so diligent. Another example, a poor people get really-really bad treatment from some kind of people when a rich people get a special treatment from them.

That's just an example but not fiction too. Like it or no, this things really happend to this world. Make me think, "Why this must be happend?". Why everything must be classified? Isn't there any humanity in this world? I know I'm no one. Not a president, not a famous artist or some other great person but I'm a human. I just think that is unfair to treat each people with a different kind of treatment *sigh*

But I'm no one and I understand that reality sometimes really cruel... Sometimes, so hard to be a human, (T___T)

Today is a special day! \(^o^)/

Yup, like the title for this post, today is a special day! Why? Coz there is something special case happen to me this morning, ha3x *until now I still smiling when I remember about that* :).

That happened when I woke up early this morning to go to work. I want to go to the kitchen through my living room. There was my lovely sis & my mom in there. They chit chat about something that I cann't hear clearly coz I'm still in my "sleepy mode" ON, Xp. I was greeted by my lovely sis with, "hmm, So that's true that u cann't walking straight when u still sleepy." (Ha3x, that's true! My blood presure is low so I need some minutes to really2 wake up & still not aware about things around me, :p). She talked like that coz yesterday we watched chibi maruko chan movie 2 & maruko did the same thing like me (cann't walk straight) when she still sleepy and I just said, "Hey, that's like me!". Ha3x, So she said that when She saw everything with her own eyes, ho3x, ;)). Then, I just replied her with, "Hmm..ng..." (I'm still not conscious yet, Xp) & went to the bathroom, ha3x.

After that, I already awake 100% so I have a little chit chat with my lovely sis & my mom about what she would cook for today. There was nothing special about it until we hear something. That's it!! We hear, "Miauw..miauw.." suddenly, made us look to that sound came from directly and there it was. My-own-wild-cat (I said that coz we don't pet her. She just come to my house everyday! XD) looked at us from our house's stairs and "Miauw..miauw" to us like she always did everyday. My mom shocked, my lovely sis happy & me, super duper happy then run to her. But she quickly run away, back to the roof but still look at me & "miauw2" to me, he3x. She is so cuteeeee!! Make me want to hug & pat her head. Unfortunately, I must went to work so I give up & went down, (T_____T) *forgive me my puss. I will play with u & ur kitten when I have a free time. I promise*

That was happened to me, he3x. Maybe for other people, this things not special. But for me, to be greet by a cat in the morning, that's so special and lovely!! XD. Make me so happy & feel so cheer up! I feel like I can work better in my office today! Thx God for this special day! :)

Today is the most tired day in this week, T___T

Oh God.. what's wrong with today? Begin with the pile of paper & document on my desk which is means there is a lot of work to do for today! *tears*. Not only that, my internet connection go wrong & ending with "No internet connection". What the!?? Even my job always need internet connection!???
And then, everything going wrong after that. I must go back again, again, again, again and AGAIN!?? to my boss office coz of some document. Make my boss ask me, "why did u come to my office again & again?" (Thx God, He didn't scream to me & chase me away from his office, :p).
If u think, that all matters above is the worst, u wrong! When I go to the bank, my shoe (right shoe) damaged with my right high heels detached from my shoe, T__T. That's make me feel ashamed (Oh God, T___T). The worst after that, I must go to the bank twice! Even the security in that bank know me & talk to me, "ur shoe didn't broken again?". They laughed but I want to cry, T___T. So I back to my office with a bare foot (yes, bare foot! I think my face already become a thick wall!) :(.
When I arrive at my office, there is still a piles of document on my desk (what the!??). Make me cann't say anymore beside sit down on my chair & sigh (plus brain blank for a while). Just three days ago, I had a motorcycle accident and now I already become a robot without no rest. Great! :(. I need some holiday, really! T___T

Today is....... hmmm...

Today, finally (after a long-long time), I post something on my journal. Not something important, just a piece of mind that I have.

I work like always in my small but comfort & private office. There is nothing wrong with it actually except some unfair things. There is one of General Manager at my company who works again after take a whole week holiday. She asked me to came to her office to ask some question that obviously she already know about it. Not only that, she told me that I was wrong when the truth is she was the one who misunderstood about something. But what can I say? She is my GM & I cann't say anything except "I understand". I thought that problem was already over but she called my senior too! Even she called my boss. Oh God... I don't know how to react anymore.. I mean, this is just a small problem (actually there is nothing wrong happen.This just a missunderstand matter!) but she over react!

I know I'm just 23 years old & she is 30+. She already has more experience at work than me. But shouldn't she more professional than me? Fortunately, that's not a big deal for me but I feel dissapointed somehow. My respect for her dissapear in no time... Huh... I miss my childhood time.. T__T

Now, I just back to my work after have a great lunch with KFC, XD. Maybe I will have a spagetti & a little burger for my snack time *snicker*. I hope everything gonna be ok until I go back home later... *pray*

(need to write & listening music, plus read somehow, :( )

Life is weird... or is it me?..

Life is weird... really-really weird.... Sometimes, we want to live as a good people but another time, we want to live whatever we want without being restrict by the rules.... We want a freedom as much as we can have.. like a bird which is always fly on the sky without any worries.

Sometimes, world looks so beautiful until we feel very-very grateful to the God but another time, world looks so sucks until we will give up and want to retired from being a human... Is that 'just' mean we only feel bored?.. Bored with our rutine as a human?...

Everyday, we always do the same thing from time to time. Student = study, Employee = work, Housewife = take care of her fam & house. There is no adventure like the advertising always told to us, "Life is an adventure!". Adventure like what? We have so many problem in our life. Is that what you called "an adventure"?...

Or maybe... the one who fault is us? God create earth, human with a good intention but everything go wrong when we fall to the sin. We, as a human, cann't take care our world like what God tell us to do. So everything turn bad and weird... I hope this doesn't make me crazy... I feel confused, beside feel weird and bad, T__T..

An ordinary life?

"We won't ever die if our dreams never die"... I didn't remember from who I hear that sentence. But that sentence still remains in my head when I think about my dreams. I don't know why but I feel my dreams already gone from my mind, slowly but sure.... I feel like "my old self" will dissapear completely and I will live in the reality without no dreams, imagination. What's wrong with me actually?...

I'm really scared but don't know how to fixed this feeling... I know I just an ordinary girl and didn't have anything special in me. But I feel like I will change & become another person that has so much different things with me now... Is this mean I will become a mature woman in no time?.... That the last thing I want to happen, T___T.

Uhh, God please help me... Guide me to the "right" way.... I'm scared..

My lovely day!! XD

I'm so happy today!! At first, I went to the supermarket with my lovely sister to bought some snack, food and drinks for us (even there was some snack still in our refrigrator, :P. That's ok coz we love snack so much!! \(^o^)/). Finally, I can bought a bottle of Carlsberg too, he3x. I had been longing for this beer before, TAT. So, I'm happily take that bottle to the cashier, ;)).
After that, we went home and did some girl's activities to treat our face, :p. Before that, she dye her hair with black colour (her hair was brown before, ho4x). Make me feel jealous somehow. I want to dye my hair with mahogany colour but I cann't coz of my hair's health, T___T. But, that's ok! I will do it someday! *full of passion*.
Not long after that, My lil' sister's friends came to my house to study together, So I made some edamame for their snack & made some onigiri and fried egg for our dinner, XD. Then, suddenly my lil' sister called me and said that our "daily" cat was coming, Yay!! That's made me so happy coz I never had a chance even just one to meet that cat coz of my job and my activities, TT___TT. So without any hesitation, I went to the upstairs (to the third floor of my house) and meet that cat. She (the cat) is so cuteeeee, like what I have imagine before, yeeee!!! *crying in a happiness*. I quickly take some photo of her! and fed her my homemade's onigiri. Fortunately, she want to ate it without any problem, he3x. After that, I and my lil' sis got down to the downstairs coz the sky became dark with a satisfied heart, :D.

Finally, I think there was no special occasion today but somehow, I feel so happy, refreshed, peace and special coz of that "warmth" activities (for me, XD). I can did something that I cann't do on the weekdays like did something with my fam or did something that I like. So I'm really-really grateful & thank's to my God, :). I hope next weekend, I can do something the same as today. A wonderful & lovely day without any problem & my job. Now, I will continue my writing and have a dinner with my two sisters. After that, I'm ready to rest my body and mind until next day has to come, to back again to my daily's rutine, :)

We always feel insecure and afraid? That's why we were called human..

Hmm... Lately, I always feel insecure and afraid even there is nothing happend, really.... This make me think, maybe I'm getting crazy?.. I mean, I already have a good family, stable job, good friends, etc but I still feel like that! Err... Make me confused about myself...

I pray to my God to asked what's wrong with me but there's no answer (maybe THERE is an answer but I'm still not getting it, ~___~). Is that the reason why we were called a "human"?... Never feel satisfied, always feel lack of this - lack of that...

But this doesn't mean I'm not grateful to God for what I already had until know. I really feel grateful to Him for His bless, His gift to me... But somehow, I still feel like this... T__T. I feel pity and sad to myself. Am I just thinking too much? or my mind already full of every big & little matters in my life? I don't understand... *sigh*. One thing that makes me over deppressed now, is my skill of writing... Somehow, I cann't write some story anymore, T___T. That's make me feel that I became an "impotent" person who lack of writing skill.. "Where did my old self go?..", that question always come to my mind.

Maybe I must do some adventure or journey alone to find "my old self".... So that what I will do later, collect my holiday into "one week holiday", pack up my things then go. I hope this can help me... Just me, God and the nature...

Despair... T__T

There are so much things that come into my mind and fill it without any hesitation. I'm sick of it! I don't want to think! Everytime, I try to be positive, there is always obstacles beside it. I'm just an ordinary human. My brain cann't take it all. This hurt me so much until I want to cry.... to sleep for a long time and don't wake up....  This is too unbearable, T___T
I'm just a human who want to live peacefully without any problem. I don't want to have high expectation, I don't want to be tell by someone who didn't know me at all. God please help me.... I'm feel despair with this life... My heart feel empty from time to time... I want to go back... to my 'old' self.... I don't want to be impotent in writing like this... I feel like I lost my soul... and there is no one who can help me beside u...
Please...help...

Yesterday's surprise!! ^^

Yesterday, I'm shock! I got my surprise even there is no special reason for it, he3x. That happened when I want to hang out with my bf. He called me when He already arrived at my home and said I must went down to the front door now. I didn't think about anything beside 'He will mad if he must waited for me too long' so I went downstairs. But when I opened my front door, plop! I saw a bouquet of rose for me! (^o^).
He just said,'This for u'. I said, 'why?'. But he didn't give me any answer beside pinched my cheeks, T__T. Then, we just went to City Walk mall and have a dinner at Nanny's pavillon restaurant. That restaurant's decoration really like a living room with a lovely furniture! Omg, he really know what I like, XD. In that restaurant we can order some pasta, carbonara, fettucini, different taste of pancake, waffle and baked rice with different topping. But that timE, i REALLY want to eat spaghetti bolognise. So I ordered it, yay! with blueberry lemonade for drink.
After that lovely & delicious dinner, I bought chicken soup for the unsinkable soul (hey, u still don't read another book that u already bought two days ago! :p). Then he said something unbelievable things, "Let's eat some ice cream now". Ha3x, he really-really KNOW what I like, XD. So we continue our dinner to rabusa and eat some ice cream named Tutti Frutti.
Really, I didn't know why he really-really spoiled me yesterday. Not that I didn't happy with that. I just feel curious. He just said,"Is it wrong if I spoiled my own gf?", made me cann't answer his question, ~_~. So I said thank u and feel grateful for that.

Today, like I said before, I want to rest all day by my own self. So he went with his fam to GI (he still contact & message me though). Today's weather so cloudy and rain for some hours, makes me want to sleep if I don't remember about what I must do today (continue my writings, read chicken soup, play PS2 with my sister, have a snack [what the!?], open my blog, my Lj, download some manga updates, etc). But that's what I love so I feel happy and writing this post with listening hip hop, pop, jazz's songs, *big wide grins* :D

Human...or not?....

Have u ever feel like u're not human?... U see, I have... For no reason, my feeling getting abstract and darker... I cann't think about something lovevable, happiness, etc... My mind just stuck and blank. There is nothing I want to do, to eat, to think, to feel... I feel like my soul already 'sleep' from now...

Everyday I work from 08.30 until 17.30. There is a schedule for everything... I want to study, must study... but my brain refuse to to that... I feel empty, tired and just want to sleep for a ling time... I hope I'm not getting crazy coz of this..... T_T. Or i already feel boring about everything and give up to do anything?.. So complicated..

Weird for me when I can be positive and negative at the same time........

Today...today...err... raining again!?...

It's raining again... That happen almost everyday now. Actually, I like this weather but when I stay at home, (~_~). If I'm outside, that's really irritated me. Example today, there is a heavy rain and traffic jam is everywhere!! Oh God... So I got late to my office, T____T. Uhh, I hope I can stay at home and start writing (so, why don't u work as a writer? That's a heavy question even I'm the one who ask myself. Then I just sigh and said "silly thought" to myself).
Then at my office, my friend asked me why I'm late. I answered it and just comment, "I think I should buy waterproof jacket for me.". Then my friend just, "Hah? Is that how u said it in english?". "Don't know. I just give that name, myself." then she just laughed. Hem... I think that's mean I use the wrong words until she think that funny, T___T. Is there a proper word to called it beside waterproof jacket? Is there any, what is it? Unfortunately I don't know about it myself, ha3x. Make me said to myself, "Sometimes, u can be so stupid like that" ;)).
But that's what I liked, sometimes I give nicknames to things (not every things, not electronic things too) such as, "tokoroten". That word is what would i said if I see a bakery. That's silly though, ha3x. But I love it to do that. So I never mind about them. My fam accept that too. Even my sis sometimes said, "mom, u know, she found a new tokoroten again at some mall.". They know that I love food so much and feel interesting if I can find a new tokoroten, choose what bread is special in that tokoroten. That's it, I just love to through my life with the things i Like to do, ha3x, :3.
Ekkhh!? I think I talk a litte bit too far from my main topic, he3x. But that's ok. I'm just the way I am. :)

Good mood in the morning, ^v^..

Today, My mood very good, :). I wake up early in the morning and get ready for work in no time, ho3x, ;)). Then the most wonderful thing in this morning is my breakfast, He3x. I have some quaker oat, 1 packet of dim sum and mochi choco pie for snack! Yipiieee! \(^o^)/. I love delicious food!! And not only that, today the sky looks so cloudy which is my favourite weather, XD (minus I cann't write at my office, T_T). So this morning, I feel very happy! Good time in the morning *snicker*. Thx God, :)

Just...forget everything....

I don't understand... Why do I have to get more stress even this isn't about me in truth?... I don't want to think... I don't want.... Please... get away from my mind...

Is this the end of the world?...

I don't understand... We all human, live in the same place called earth... We have a similiar feature (although we have a difference too in characteristic, act and background). We have the same way of birth, born from our mother. But why there is such a discrimination in every place, every country...like that is the common thing in this world... 

So sad... so ironic... There is so much people who talk about peace, democration, human rights and so on... but in reality, status, background, wealth, power and money are the most thing to classified every people in the world. Maybe that's why our God so sad and dissappointed with us as a human. He create us to be a good human but what He get?... There is too much sin in this world.

Why everyone cann't live peacefully? without any war, envy or dark mind... Is this the reason that we will through 'The end of the world" soon or later?... I just can pray the best for our earth and people.....

The thing that I scared until now...

Now, I'm listening Can't Help But wait by Trey songz ft plies and that song still scared me somehow. Not because that song but the memories behind that song. I just realize that this song still scared me to the death unfortunately even I like this song very much... So much, until I can listening this song all day! How ironic... When I hear this song, that's like something that I don't want to remember, will be re-opened again, againts my will though.

I remember that at 'that time' I listen this song with a broken heart, desperate mind and worries at my heart. I had a hard time back then with uncertain feeling, uncertain status. Even now (after I use this song for my bf ringtone), It still scared me.... I don't know why.. This like some kind of trauma... I hate to be like this... I hope everything will be over soon and makes me don't feel about anything anymore.... I'm sick of every  this melancholic things, T____T

The weirdness of world or maybe the weirdness of human?..

A world really weird sometimes... Everyone seek for happiness in everywhere, everytime they have. When they still don't have it, they said, 'When I will find my true happiness?'. But when they already have it, they said, 'Is this real?.. Or I still at somewhere, dreaming about this?..'. Everything looks so wrong... so weird.. There is no end for satisfaction... Everyone seem has unlimited desire to be satisfied... 

So weird... Is this why we called 'Human'?...

Bad day.... T____T

Today is a bad day for me. I just hear from my friend that there is a concert named "Twilite Orchestra~Cantabile!" on Jan 27th in Balai Sarbini. I'm really excited to hear this. Just imagine, there is rachmaninoff, bethoven, etude, and etc. "OMG!! I really must get this ticket for sure!!", that's what I thought before I called Ticket Hotline. When I called them, They said every ticket already sold!! *burst to tears* T_____T.

How can this happen??... Huu... I feel like I want to cry...

It's ended........

Finally, yesterday that person sent me a message. That's why I thought that everything already really-really over between me and that person. I hope that person have a full of happiness like that person wish for me too. I know I still have a little feeling for that person before. But after yesterday message, that feeling is vanished. More exactly like I don't have any feeling at all in my heart. My heart become so empty and there is nothing in there. I hope this is the best way. I don't want to think or feel anymore.... I stop my mind at some point that I won't care about love matters again. I will through my life with the way that my God choose for me...

So, everything already over between me and....... Sayonara...

Today's opinion...

Today, I realize something. I hear what my mom said and think about it. Maybe there is still no sign of peace in my heart. Is that because I getting away or something?..... I don't know the answer though. So, I just made up my mind and want to get more closer to my God. I want to begin everything again from the start. Like my plan about learn something, try to do more my hobbies, give more love for the people I love and etc. I'm not a perfect person (Hmm.. sounds like the song from Hoobastank, ha3x) but I will try my best to do this. Ganbatte ne, glen!! \(^v^)/

Today's realization...

Today, somehow I realize something... I know that lately I have been down...down...and down... I trapped in a dark mind (about loneliness, dissappointment, etc) of mine and I feel like there is no way out. But, the truth is I think I don't have any problem at all! I just created some problem in my own ways of thinking. I feel unsecure without any reason at all. Is that mean I'm getting crazy? Wew, I talk like I lost my mind. Some time ago, I read about some writer's (that I like) biography and they died because of their loneliness, delusional things, some stress and so on...

That makes me think, Am I the same with them?... I, myself, is a writer too even I'm not famous like them. But I just think, maybe I have the same symtom with them, Am I?. The craziest thing I could said to myself in this year, :P. I hope that's not true... Now, My strength just only my God. He is the one who keep me normal and far away from the word, 'crazy'. Or I have problem with my own personality, I don't know, (-___-). But I will try to through this life, my life with a good way of life and do my hobbies, :)

Today's feeling....

Today I feel so weird... I feel like there is a ton of 'burden' in my heart. That makes me feel so heavy. I'm not happy nor sad. I just like a doll without any feeling. I don't understand why this must be happen. In this time especially, when I already have a peaceful days after I close my fb or not socialize with other people. I just throgh every day with a smile and empty head (don't think or mind about anything).

But now, everything like go wrong. I don't have any desire to do or talk with other people, instead of him. I feel like I want to puke. I'm tired of everything, I just want to sleep for a long time without any obstacles. I want to sleep.... and don't want to wake up....